from all of your bitching, griping, moaning, and complaining? Wait, wait, wait… I know you think what you’re experiencing is a problem. But are you deriving any benefit from it that you can't see?

You complain about your relationship but, may I ask, do you think there might be some benefit you gain from being in that relationship? You say you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner’s behavior and the way he or she treats you. What about how they help you? After all, that relationship also prevents you from facing the uncertainty, rejection, and loneliness of dating. Your relationship is both dependable and predictable even if you are not satisfied. Predictability is the basis of control. Those are benefits.

What about your responsibility to create the life you want? Blaming your relationship may be providing you with plausible deniability. In fact, a trifling partner may even secretly boost your self-esteem. As long as you stay with him, when things don’t work out, you can say, "I have a bad partner." If you were on your own and things didn’t work out, it would fall on you.

That job you complain so much about also provides you with an excuse to avoid updating your skills and your resume and looking for another job. You can both gripe about your job and avoid competing with other job seekers in the marketplace. Don’t forget to remember, complaining protects you from a competitive job market.

Is your poor health also providing you with attention? or is it allowing you to avoid people and discussions that make you even more uncomfortable? After all, if you keep the focus on your various ailments you can avoid other people or painful feelings. It’s easier to talk about a sore knee, for example, than to talk about childhood sexual abuse.

If you define a situation as being real it becomes real in its consequences. Unconsciously, you could even be gratified by the very situation you complain about so vehemently, because it confirms your belief. We all have a way of seeing what we think. It can feel good to have our beliefs confirmed even when they sabotage us.

Problems often benefit us in ways that we can't see, but unconscious benefits can make it impossible for us to eliminate our problems.

Here’s a question: would you rather be right or happy?