The Hero Complex

While scrolling the internet, I came across something my friend Jimmy shared, and it struck me as a great writing prompt:

"Here I come to save the goddamned day."

That phrase explains why I became a psychotherapist. My journey from trying to fix myself naturally evolved into trying to save others. On one hand, I’m deeply motivated to help people. On the other hand, that same drive can unintentionally cause harm if not tempered with awareness.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be of service to others. However, my efforts can backfire without a deeper understanding of my motivations and even create harm.

The notion that “if you can be helpful, you should be helpful” seems noble, but it’s not always that simple. The benefit quickly diminishes when I start doling advice like a Pez dispenser. Advice is often interpreted as criticism, and people rarely change when they feel criticized. Advice also implies the receiver lacks personal insight or experience with the problem. Yet, success is highly individual—there’s no universal recipe for solving the complex issues people face. Unlike baking a cake, where forgetting the egg might ruin the outcome, most problems are multifaceted. No single solution will fix them. Furthermore, advice often fails to account for the other person’s skill set, resources, or readiness to act.

In psychotherapy, countertransference—our thoughts and feelings about the client—adds another layer of complexity. Despite formal training, I still struggle with staying genuinely helpful without overstepping. It’s incredibly tempting when a client presents a problem in a way that seems to beg for a “fix.” With the best of intentions, I can still make things worse.

Here’s an example: When a client speaks, am I truly listening or just waiting for my turn to talk because I think I know the solution? Has my desire to solve their problem interfered with my ability to listen, validate, and offer empathy? That trilogy—listening, validation, and empathy—indeed facilitates change. Advice? Not so much. Am I secretly resenting the client for not following my advice? Am I dominating the session with my voice, inadvertently fostering their dependence on me and my “vast knowledge”? When clients share their distress, am I trying to cheer them up instead of sitting with their emotions? To the client, that might feel like I’m dismissing their experience.

There are countless ways to render therapy ineffective, and an unconscious hero complex is just one of them. While this post focuses on how that dynamic plays out in treatment, the same principles apply to relationships. Most of the time, my wife doesn’t want me to “fix” her problems. She wants me to listen, validate, and empathize.

While I may always carry some traces of a hero complex, awareness, and practice can help minimize its negative effects. Trying to save others is a profoundly human impulse, but it’s also a reminder that sometimes, the best way to help is simply to be present.

Exploring the Father-Son Relationship

A central issue some men face is a strained or poor relationship with their fathers. Our earliest relationships are the foundation for understanding ourselves, forming connections, and navigating the world. Questions like Who am I? What is a relationship? What can I expect from the world? Are first answered in childhood, often through our interactions with our parents. These early experiences shape how we relate to others as adults. Parental neglect, abuse, or even incompetence can leave lasting marks on how we approach relationships and life itself.

The intention here is not to blame fathers but to encourage personal accountability. Blaming others is easy; taking responsibility for where you are now as a man is much more complicated. If you’re reading this, it means you’ve survived your childhood—and that survival gives you the power to make changes. One step toward personal growth is to explore and reflect on your relationship with your father.

Revisiting the Father-Son Bond

As children, we may idealize our parents to feel safe, avoiding confrontation or protest to escape their anger or disapproval. But as adults, we have the opportunity—and perhaps the responsibility—to reassess these early relationships with a fresh perspective. Start by asking yourself some honest, reflective questions about your father:

• One of my earliest memories of my father is

• When I was a child, my father made me feel

• The way my father showed love when I was growing up was

• Something my father did that shaped who I am today is

• One thing I wish I understood better about my father is

• When I think about my father, I often feel

• A conversation with my father that stands out to me is

• One thing I want my father to do differently is

• I’ve learned to forgive my father for

• A way I can strengthen my relationship with my father is

• The Impact of Fatherly Relationships

You can learn much about a man by understanding his relationship with his father. Many men face sadness when reflecting on this bond, revealing emotions they rarely show. For instance, one man shared how his father’s absence during his childhood shaped him. He recounted how his stepbrother’s father would visit, sparking feelings of abandonment. “I would see him come to pick up my brother, and it made me long for my father. I would wonder, What did I do? Sometimes, he would take me along and even buy me things, but none of it erased my sense of being abandoned by my father.”

Such experiences can profoundly affect a man’s behavior and emotional well-being. Often, men are unaware that much of their present behavior is compensatory—anger masking more profound feelings of hurt, sadness, and even depression tied to their relationships with their fathers.

Moving Forward

Reflecting on your relationship with your father can be painful but also liberating. It allows you to recognize patterns, process unresolved feelings, and, if possible, build a stronger connection with your father. It will also help you become a better parent yourself. And even if reconciliation isn’t possible, this process can help you find healing and peace within yourself. Remember, understanding your past is a decisive step toward shaping a better future.

What If It’s You?

Relationships are challenging for everyone. After the shine of a new relationship wears off, it’s very easy to feel discontent. When things go well, we take credit. When things go bad, we place blame. But what if it’s you? What if you are the reason your situation is miserable? What if you cannot recognize your role in the relationship you are co-creating with your partner?

The Pros of Asking, "What If It’s Me?"

1. Personal Growth and Awareness

Taking responsibility for your actions and attitudes fosters self-awareness and helps you identify areas for personal growth. This self-reflection can improve not only your relationship but also your overall well-being. Understanding your triggers, patterns, and emotional responses makes you better equipped to handle challenges constructively.

2. Empowerment to Change

Recognizing your role in relationship challenges gives you the power to make positive changes. Focusing on what “you” can control reduces feelings of helplessness. It’s liberating to realize that you can shift your behaviors or mindset to help repair or strengthen the bond with your partner.

3. Healthier Communication

You may approach conflicts with more empathy and understanding by reflecting on your behavior. This reflection can lead to healthier, more productive conversations. Acknowledging your role often encourages your partner to do the same, creating a foundation for mutual respect and collaboration.

The Cons of Ignoring Personal Growth, Empowerment, and Healthy Communication

1. Stagnation in Relationships

Without personal growth, individuals may become stuck in repeating negative patterns, leading to frustration and dissatisfaction in their intimate relationships. This stagnation can create a sense of being “stuck” without resolution, making connecting and thriving as a couple harder.

2. Loss of Agency

Ignoring the possibility of personal empowerment can make you feel like a passive victim of circumstances. This lack of control may foster resentment or a sense of helplessness, further eroding the relationship. Over time, this dynamic can lead to emotional disengagement.

3. Escalation of Conflict

Avoiding healthier communication means unresolved issues may fester, leading to miscommunication, frequent arguments, or emotional disconnection. This avoidance often deepens relational rifts, making it harder to rebuild trust or intimacy.

The Challenges of Self-Reflection

While asking, “What if it’s me?” is a powerful tool for growth, it also comes with potential pitfalls.

Potential for Overthinking: Self-reflection, when taken to the extreme, can lead to excessive rumination or self-blame. This may harm your confidence and emotional well-being, leaving you feeling inadequate or overly responsible for relational issues.

Neglecting Mutual Responsibility: Focusing too much on your actions may overshadow relationships as a two-way dynamic. Your partner’s behavior and choices also play a role, and neglecting this reality can lead to an imbalance in the relationship.

Risk of Emotional Burnout: Constantly questioning yourself without balancing self-compassion can lead to emotional fatigue, making it harder to engage meaningfully in the relationship. Reflection should be balanced with self-kindness and boundaries.

Final Thoughts

When you ask, “What if it’s me?” you open the door to greater self-awareness, empowerment, and healthier communication. However, it’s equally important to approach this reflection with balance. Relationships thrive on mutual responsibility, so while owning your part is essential, don’t lose sight of the shared dynamic between you and your partner. Personal growth is a journey, and recognizing your role in your relationship can be one of the most rewarding steps you take—not only for your relationship but for yourself.