I recently read an article entitled, “How to Save a Relationship that’s Struggling (and When it’s Best to Let it Go)” by Jessica Estrada. Estrada offered numerous suggestions. The one I want to focus on here is fight better. Because in my clinical experience, working with couples interested in improving or saving their relationships, I stress learning to fight better.
Relationships can be challenging—even good ones. The emotional turmoil evoked by a failing relationship can make it difficult to determine if it can be saved or not. You may not have a very good understanding of how your behavior changes during a conflict or how you contribute to the conflict escalating. When things go well we take credit. When things go bad we place blame. You can't improve or save a relationship without improving your self-awareness. It's essential. Anything else is like trying to bake a cake without cracking an egg.
Even if you successfully avoid conflict, it can be the death knell for the relationship as resentments accumulate creating frustration, and distance between you and your partner. As you tiptoe around your partner in a vain attempt to protect them from your thoughts and feelings, self-betrayal rationalized as keeping the peace, more accurately amounts to holding your breath. Sooner or later, you have to breathe. Avoidance is useful sometimes, but rarely useful all of the time.
Emotional intimacy occurs under two conditions in a relationship. When you feel romantically bound to your partner and when you are in conflict with them. During romance, you whisper sweet nothings and express your deepest loving feelings to them. During conflict, on the other hand, you express other important thoughts and feelings about your partner and the relationship—things you might never say otherwise. In both instances, you communicate important information about how you view the relationship.
Learning to fight better actually means learning to communicate and control your own behavior better. Both of which are skills you can practice and improve. The trick to fighting better is to express yourself in a way that does not blame, hurt, or antagonize your partner. You want to help them hear and understand you rather than cower and withdraw from your wrath. If you find yourself fighting constantly over the same thing it might be because your conflicts are destructive rather than constructive. The object is to unlearn how to win—in the sense of using destructive power and tactics over them. Learning is winning. Solving problems and maintaining the connection is winning. Engaging in constructive conflict is the key.
Investing time to learn about your own conflict style and how conflicts work could help you acquire the skills necessary to fight better. Improving your tactics could increase intimacy, learning, and security between you and your partner. With those strengths, you could be well on your way to revitalizing the relationship.
There’s a way to improve your skill set. Me and my colleague, psychologist Dr. Lorie Hill have designed a digital course entitled Constructive Conflict to help you learn how to fight better. You can improve. Hit the link above and take a look at what we have created for you.
