A reality evader defends against reality by avoiding, pretending, fantasizing, and lying in a childlike manner. This term captures the essence of their behavior in a non-judgmental, descriptive way. It highlights the defensive nature of their actions while acknowledging the underlying struggle to engage with reality directly.
To understand this behavior, let’s revisit its roots: childhood. Children who experience adverse childhood experiences often cope with vulnerability, dependence, and fear by employing mechanisms such as avoidance, pretending, fantasizing, and lying. These defenses help them navigate a reality they neither understand nor control. After all, what does a child know about the complexities of the world or how to process trauma? It’s safe to say that children have limited agency, skills, and information to deal with such situations.
Childhood determines the "rules" for how the world works. Experiences shape personality, and the skills used to survive adverse situations often become ingrained. Stress doesn’t simply come and go—it changes us. These changes are adaptive in a challenging environment, enabling survival. However, when the environment changes, those survival skills can become liabilities.
In adulthood, people often go to great lengths to avoid reality. This tendency can form the foundation of addictive behaviors or, as Dr. Philip J. Flores describes in his book Addiction as an Attachment Disorder, a “repair attempt that fails.”
The Need for a "Software Upgrade" in Adulthood
Welcome to adulthood—where childhood coping mechanisms often require a "software upgrade." It may be time to reevaluate your operating system if you navigate adult life and relationships using the same rules you learned as a child. While avoidance, pretending, fantasizing, and lying may have served a purpose, their effectiveness in adult relationships deserves scrutiny.
Avoidance and deception can sometimes be necessary, but their overuse can hinder personal growth and connection. Below are prompts to help you explore how childhood coping skills may influence adult interactions. These exercises encourage deeper self-awareness and emotional development.
Prompts for Self-Exploration
Exploring Avoidance
"When faced with something uncomfortable, I tend to avoid it by ________."
"The situations I most try to avoid are ________ because ________."
"A recent example of avoiding reality in my life was when ________."
Exploring Pretending
"Sometimes, I pretend everything is fine by ________."
"I feel the need to act like ________ when deep down, I know ________."
"Pretending helps me avoid feeling ________, but it also costs me ________."
Exploring Fantasizing
"When reality feels too hard to face, I escape into fantasies about ________."
"The ideal world I imagine looks like ________, and it helps me avoid ________."
"I use my imagination to create scenarios where ________, but in reality, ________."
Exploring Lying
"I find myself lying about ________ because I’m afraid of ________."
"The lies I tell myself are often about ________, which helps me ignore ________."
"Lying feels like a way to control ________, even though it ultimately makes me feel ________."
General Reflection
"The pattern I notice in how I evade reality is ________."
"I’ve learned to use these defenses because ________, but now they’re keeping me from ________."
"Facing reality feels hard because ________, but if I could, I believe I’d gain ________."
In Summary
Many behavioral challenges can be traced back to childhood experiences. Understanding and compassionately examining those early experiences can connect the dots between what happened then and now. This awareness can empower us to let go of outdated defenses and embrace a more grounded, authentic way of living.