Toxic Masculinity

“In a statement on Tuesday, Harvey Weinstein’s spokeswoman Sallie Hofmeister said: “Any allegations of nonconsensual sex are unequivocally denied by Mr. Weinstein. Mr. Weinstein has further confirmed that there were never any acts of retaliation against any women for refusing his advances. He will not be available for further comments, as he is taking the time to focus on his family, on getting counseling and rebuilding his life.”

What? “Never any acts of retaliation against any women for refusing his advances. Taking the time to focus on his family, on getting counseling and rebuilding his life?” Something smells foul.

Bill Cosby, Donald Trump, R. Kelly, Tiger Woods, Ray Rice, Kevin Hart, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Bill O'Reilly, Joe Mixon, Roger Ailes, and now Harvey Weinstein. The latest episode of Toxic Masculinity begins with sexual misconduct allegations against Harvey Weinstein which include harassing a woman employee, cornering her in a restaurant, and jerking off in front of her. When the story broke, I felt embarrassed and shied away from thinking about another man doing something cringe-worthy. It’s challenging enough being a man. I feared being judged for another man’s dumb, abusive, criminal behavior.

Once I heard the sexual harassment allegations, I concluded he was a sex offender. Suffice it to say, he’s no beginner. His behavior would be funny if it wasn't so serious. I can hear a stand-up comedian, “I didn't say ‘bonus,’ I said ‘boner’.”

Mr. Weinstein found himself consumed by behavior he could not control like a passenger on a train which had blown past the pleasure station long ago. Obsession and compulsion are destructive forces in his life, racing down the rails, destroying everything in its path. He now finds himself hanging on for dear life to his career, his wife, and, ultimately, his freedom.    

Toxic masculinity is a problem derived from unhappiness and manifested by sexual conquests, narcissism, grandiosity, aggression, and power which are poisonous to the host and others they come into contact with. We have a tendency to live what we believe. Harvey Weinstein behaved in ways that showed disrespect for women, his wedding vows, and his job. As indicated by his using women to gratify himself, reduce shame and guilt, and to relieve unhappiness. He lived behind a carefully constructed mask that allowed him to behave monstrously.

Bad things happen when men cultivate toxic masculinity. On one end of the spectrum, they believe women are an extension of themselves, feeling the same way they do, particularly about sex. On the other end of the spectrum, they don’t think about women at all. Why should they? They see themselves as all-powerful and if they possess money and status, so do others around them, including their victims. Toxic masculinity forces men to behave as stereotypes, motivating many to break the law.

It can also create an opportunity for men to talk to other men about our miseducation and its disastrous consequences on our lives and the lives of those around us. As I explain to the men in my domestic violence group, there is no such thing as a first offender. You are in this group for what you got caught for. What about the numerous things you did that you didn't get caught for? Harvey Weinstein’s now facing three additional rape allegations. Toxic masculinity will catch up with you.

Misguided men, who have fallen victim to our culture’s more pernicious version of manhood, have lowered the bar so much, have behaved so poorly, some women are trying to be men. With the absence of suitable men, women pleasure themselves, each other, raise children willingly alone—and have been doing it on their own terms for years. These characters have also provided the well-meaning man with great opportunities to be a “good man.” While toxic masculinity narrowly defines men, stripping them of the qualities that make men great—confidence, kindness, honesty, integrity, and courage—the responsible, mature man makes an effort to rise above it by cultivating empathy for others. Don't cheat on your partner. Avoid promiscuity. Accept no for an answer. Don't act like a sex offender. Don’t drop anything in anyone’s drink. Don't break the law. Use anger constructively. Have some integrity. Get in touch with your misogyny. Work hard. Cultivate gratitude. How could one possibly fail at being a good man? Even if you have transgressed, who among us will cast the first stone?  

This is a great time to be a man. The world needs good men. Real men are around, rarely grabbing headlines, but they do exist.

On Domestic Violence

         Domestic Violence

When it comes to talking to men about violence in general and violence against women, I prefer an unconventional approach. I encourage men to discuss how good violence feels. Before you start balking, gasping, and sputtering allow me to explain. Some people reading this have never been slapped, punched, kicked, whipped or choked. Good for you. However, there are many men who experienced violence as children, when they were least able to overcome its devastating consequences. Men who have been hit feel differently about hitting than men who have not been hit. Many psychologically wounded men walk around oblivious to how their previous violent experiences have changed their attitudes and behavior. They are often more likely to use violence against women when frustrated or angry.

Violence is pervasive. Our society is violent. The world is violent. Violence is in our DNA. While there have always been women warriors—and women do get arrested for domestic violence—primarily men send women to the hospital or the graveyard. When it comes to violence, we like watching it. We like performing it. Violence is orgasmic. If men didn't find it enjoyable on some level, we wouldn't constantly commit acts of violence all over the world.

Violence is deeply gratifying. We don't like the consequences, but we relish the act. It changes things both externally and internally. Externally violence alters the victim’s behavior. Internally violence relieves internal stress. It works quickly and effectively. It’s difficult for a man to unlearn the powerful tension release, the instant satisfaction, and the strong reinforcement that comes with violent acts.

Men don't really know how to talk about our love affair with violence. It's not socially acceptable. We don't have any problem talking about the latest example of violence we see in the news, social media or our neighborhoods. But our own propensity for violence mutes us. We pretend that it's someone else. We dawn the good guy mask and disavow our culpability in the violence epidemic engulfing the planet. Because we fail to allow ourselves to discuss it, we also fail to control it. Social acceptance is not recovery. We must begin with the obvious fact that we enjoy violence and give ourselves the freedom to explore what it does for us if we ever intend to meet those needs without resorting to violence.

If we're not talking about how we really feel about violence, what are we talking about? Before you say, “Not me. I don’t like violence.” I ask: What about the porn? What about the video games? What about the horror movies? What about the NFL? The President recently stated professional football was too soft. While on the campaign trail, prior to becoming president, he bragged about grabbing women by the crotch. The man’s statements and behavior, as he sits in the highest office in the land, has normalized violence. His admission makes violence against women as American as lynchings and police shootings.

Freedom comes from not driving problems underground.  Our ambivalence about violence needs to be explored. There is a tendency to avoid the shadows, fearing that if we address it, it will lead to more violence. We pretend that the shadows have no value. Shadows provide protection. Shadows serve as resting places. Predators ambush from shadows. Without exploring the shadows, we can’t hope to overcome our destructiveness. By fearlessly examining our ambivalence about violence, we can identify opportunities to take personal responsibility and reduce violence. Can we acknowledge our propensity for violence and stop running around like wolves in sheep's clothing? If we can't accept it, we can't change it. The time has come for us to change it.

Sponsorship

               The 12-Steps

When I first began attending 12-Step meetings, I heard, “Get a sponsor and work the steps.” I didn’t know what they were talking about. One evening, while standing around after a meeting a man walked up to me and asked, “Do you have a sponsor?” I said no and he offered his services. I had no idea what sponsorship entailed or what his role would be in my life. Like most social situations I found myself in at that time, I wanted to fit in, so I agreed.

Because I didn't understand what sponsorship meant, he remained my ornamental sponsor for quite some time. It took dating a woman in the fellowship before I got a clue. When I found myself in an embarrassing, painful, public break-up with a popular woman who processed her feelings about me and our breakup by putting me “on blast” in meetings, I began to call my sponsor more frequently. Hurt, angry, and resentful I started reading the literature and going to additional meetings. Having committed to 12-Step recovery, I refused to leave the program. Together, my sponsor and I worked up to the fifth step. At that point, he rekindled a relationship, got married, and moved away.

Enter my second and current sponsor. By that time, I realized the importance of step work and I wanted to complete the process I started. Spiritual smugness felt too good to stop working the steps. My new high became walking into meetings and comparing myself to others who were not working the steps. That downward comparison became my new fix. I chose my next sponsor after observing him in meetings. He possessed numerous qualities that made him ideal for me, even if I didn’t know it at the time. He seemed to lack anger, hostility, and authoritarianism.  He appeared calm and relaxed which attracted me because I never felt safe around angry, hostile authority figures.

Like any addict, I am recovering from turning to drugs rather than people when I feel anxious or overwhelmed. I'm recovering from immense shame which makes me fear intimacy. I often projected my problems onto women, blaming them for my internal discord.  As my recovery progressed awareness shed light on my problems with male role models. I began to recognize misinformation I received from men and society about masculinity and manhood. Through my relationship with my sponsor, I have been able to not only explore my emotional life, but take responsibility for it, remain drug-free, and cultivate happiness.

Somehow recovering addicts before me discovered an effective way to recover from trauma. I always found myself hurt by the people I was in relationships with. Addicts understood recovering people would need to turn to the very thing that may have harmed them—relationships—in order to heal. From trial, error, and ingenuity they created sponsorship.

As I progress through recovery and the 12-Steps, my relationship with my sponsor deepens. Working with him, exploring my emotional life, improves all my relationships. As we learn from our literature “we don’t heal in isolation.” Through sponsorship, I practice honesty, open-mindedness, courage, willingness, and vulnerability. Sponsorship taught me how to trust myself and others.

When men stop fronting on each other, drop their masks, and share their emotional lives with each other they develop intimacy. Many men never get that opportunity and later end up placing too much weight on women to care for them emotionally. With no men to bond with and placing too much emotional weight on women, they lose.

Last week, while sitting on a bench talking to my sponsee, I saw my sponsor in the distance, walking to his car. I felt emotional as I thought about how long he and I have worked together, how much I have learned about myself, and how much my heart has expanded due to our relationship. When anyone complains about their relationships, I remain silent. When others lament about unhappiness, I yield the floor. When someone gripes about being lonely, I stand down. Today, those are not my issues. Through sponsorship, I have been able to improve mutual satisfaction in all my relationships. Considering my sponsor’s role in my recovery, I felt myself getting emotional. My eyes began to well up and my heart felt full as I watched him walk away. I believe in the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.

The Problem with the Self-help Industry

                      Self-help books sometimes don't help. 

“If you want the habit of gratitude to grace your life, it is essential that you, like Tom Chappell, develop the belief that you are here on earth to fulfill some purpose that only you can offer to the world. You are amazingly rare, totally nonreplicable individual with talents and gifts that the world anxiously needs. The more that you experience the truth of your uniqueness and beauty, the more you will feel gratitude for your particular gifts and the more you will be able to deliver those gifts.”
                             

                                Attitudes of Gratitude: How to Give and Receive Joy Every Day of Your Life

                                                                                                                  --M.J. Ryan p. 81-82

When I read this I had to pause and think about what it meant and if it was actually true for me.

There is a basic problem with the advice doled out by most authors of self-help books. It's the notion that in order to be happy or to help yourself you have to believe that you are special. Do I really need to be “amazingly rare, totally nonreplicable with talents and gifts the world anxiously needs?” Am I unique? Am I beautiful?

I would like to believe that, but is that really true? Isn't the belief that I'm special or that I need to be special the problem? No one else on the entire planet could possibly do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing if I weren't so busy reading self-help books? I would feel better if I just cleaned up behind myself rather than nurturing the narcissistic fantasy that I'm special and, as such, someone else will clean up after me.

Will reading a self-help book miraculously transform me into the Golden Child? What happens when one discovers they are not unique? Life has a way of pulling your “Special Card.”

Humpty Dumpty was special. Where did he sit? On a wall above others. What kind of fall did he have? A great fall. He didn't roll off a curb. Who tried to put him back together again? All the of  King's horses and all of the King's men. He had status. What happened? They could not put him together again. What's the moral of this story? Special people can't be put back together.

Improving yourself does not require you to be special. Self-improvement rarely comes down to talent. Many people have talent and never accomplish much. What's most important is that we get started, that we practice, and work hard at the changes we seek. The keys are to remain calmly persistent and actively engaged in the execution of your plan. There are no special skills or unique talents required. Just real commitment.

Improve Your Relationships with Compliments

There is a powerful way to improve your relationships. It is not a tactic. A single tactic will not work. In fact, it may make your situation worse because most people can sense insincerity. Without commitment the minute you experience frustration you will abandon the effort to change. This is an attitude and behavior change I'm inviting you to try for yourself. So what am I suggesting? If you want to improve your relationships, increase happiness, and lift self-esteem, learn to give compliments.

Depending on where you're from and what your previous relationships have been like this may prove to be quite challenging. If you come from a family that did not express or provide praise it may feel awkward for you to give and receive compliments freely. I have even had people say that it felt like ass kissing to give someone a compliment. Your history may be such that no one was around to notice and provide you with adequate praise for the things you did. If that was your experience, you very well could be walking around feeling invalidated and insecure simply from receiving insufficient positive attention growing up. You may even find yourself compensating for that by seeking negative attention. As human beings, if we can't get positive attention, negative attention will do.

Praise or positive attention is one major contributor to good mental health. It acknowledges you and reinforces your felt sense of security. I used the term “felt sense of security” here to emphasize the difference between being secure and feeling secure. To compliment someone indicates that you noticed and feel grateful for something they have done. Gratitude must be cultivated to the point of awareness in order for one to compliment another. Well-being is comprised of gratitude. Feeling secure, grateful, and happy all contribute to increased self-esteem.

The opposite of praise is criticism. The opposite of a compliment is an insult. Nothing says abuse like criticism and insults. I'm suggesting that you learn to give what you may so desperately need, more than every now and then: a pat on the back. Learning to give sincere, specific praise to yourself and others is a tide that lifts all boats. By cultivating an attitude of gratitude for the little things, you become aware that gratitude connects you to life and living. It also attracts people to you because they get from you what we all desperately need: positive attention.

One of the first things that lead to our relationships going bad is our inability to see and acknowledge the good that others do. We can only see their mistakes and shortcomings. This happens not only with our view of others but also with our view of ourselves.

Changing your attitude and behavior doesn't cost you anything but time and effort. A change like this does not require any special talent, no merchandise, no skill. The only requirements are willingness and practice. When practiced on yourself it's considered self-soothing and when provided to others it called a compliment. No matter what moniker you use, compliments reduce suffering and serve as an antidote to insecurity and abuse.

Self-Doubt

I've been trying not to panic, to not look down, to not allow myself to consider how vulnerable I am to failure. What I'm attempting to achieve may not work and I've been afraid to think about it.

I put on a happy face, but deep down inside a little voice stalks me, whispering, “You're not going to make it.” I try to quiet it to no avail. I have to admit, I'm terrified of failing.

I'm ashamed to admit that although I feel the warm breath of failure breathing down my neck I often don't do the things necessary to prevent failure. Sometimes, I freeze. Oh, I hide it well, even from myself, but the reality is I don't always behave in my best interest.

It's not difficult to feel like a failure. It comes naturally. I compare myself to accomplished people, make an upward comparison, and feel terrible about myself. Observe thirty-year-olds worth millions, doing all the things I dream about doing, and I come away drowning in envy. Sometimes I just want to give up.

I have no desire to kill myself, but I do long to stop propping myself up. I want to quit running from how I feel and what I really think. A Herculean effort is required to distract me from my fears. Keeping doubt at bay saps my strength. My own dark thoughts and feelings frighten me, so I eat, I sleep, I work out, I meditate, attend meetings, avoid being an ass-hole, motivate others, pretend I'm fearless, wake up, and do it again.

Sometimes it feels hollow. It's insufficient because it's all done in the service of avoidance. I do it to avoid experiencing the pain and misery of being me. Freedom can only be achieved through complete and total surrender and acceptance of who I am and of all of my thoughts and feelings.

I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that the aforementioned coping skills don't work, they prevent me from cowering to my fears and they also have bought me time to get to this place where I can lay pen to paper and actually describe what it's really like to be me. Coping skills help me face reality. The unvarnished truth about how I feel and that which I am both afraid and ashamed of.

We all have doubt, especially if you are taking risks, trying to create, and change. Understanding self-doubt is important. It has meaning, and It is worth exploring. It is a natural part of not only the change process but also of being human. Left unaddressed self-doubt can make you feel bad and rob you of your creative energy. By exploring self-doubt you can, reduce internal stress, and remain on the path to your goals.In that way, it can be productive.

If self-doubt is holding you back get some help.

No Inspiration

This morning I woke up, walked downstairs, and opened the front and back doors to my house. Cool fresh air felt good as it entered my nostrils and lungs. I lit some black cherry incense and placed it in the flower pot outside my back door. As the scent wafted up inviting me to meditate, I cracked open my inspirational readings, hoping to discover a passage or phrase to write about. But today nothing I read moved me.  

I smiled realizing inspiration wasn't necessary. I didn't have to rely on inspiration, I didn't have to “feel like it” to write. Liberation filled me as I realized I possessed everything needed to write. On this day, searching for inspiration was unnecessary. My daily writing routine was enough. I didn't need a muse. All I needed was to put pen to paper, not worry about being profound or clever, and just write.

Satisfaction, joy, and triumph entered my awareness. My pen took off.  I simply allowed myself to describe what was happening around me and my experience in the moment: what you're reading now.

The takeaway: don't wait to feel inspired. You may never feel it. Start anyway and let starting invite inspiration. Make starting the goal, not inspiration. Start slowly. Start where you are. Start without knowing what will happen. Just start.

What are you waiting for?

Conflict: Do I Need to Check...

Conflict: WTF Happened

Conflict: One Partner Feels Unsupported

Managing Conflict for your Mental Health

How to Manage Conflict in a Relationship

The Stuff You Gotta Watch

Privilege is defined as a right, advantage or immunity granted or available to a particular person or group of people. Privilege is also a type of power which enables one to alter the attitude, beliefs, and behavior of others. In this country, a black man, compared to a white man, has less power. One can have low power in one relationship and high power in another. Effectively understanding that nuance prevents many black men from properly managing power in  relationships with women.

One can benefit from privilege without recognizing it, and one can use privilege to infringe on the rights of others without being aware of it. Privilege can be earned or unearned. Privilege like power remains silent. It doesn't have to speak. Power has no need to bitch, gripe, moan or complain. Due to its propensity to remain unconscious, by those who wield it, privilege can silently damage otherwise good relationships. On the other hand, understanding male privilege can provide benefits to anyone interested in improving male-female relationships.

When men feel frustrated or blocked from their goals they often look for and make others pay for it. Cruelty can be defined as an unhappy person's effort to gratify themselves at the expense of someone else. Unhappiness is corrosive to relationships. This happens because men often find themselves with fewer emotional outlets when stressed. Men learn early to deny emotions, avoid vulnerability, and hide inadequacies. Rather than turn to other men who deftly navigate their emotional lives, to discuss how we feel, and learn positive coping skills, we often never learn how to express our feelings constructively. Too often, men are left placing too much responsibility on women for taking care of our emotional lives. By out sourcing the responsibility, men can remain emotionally illiterate and both the outsourcing and the illiteracy comprise male privilege.

Let's face it, it's pretty cool to be a dude. We don’t have to know how we feel. Dudes don't have to worry about much other than underemployment or getting shot by the police. If it wasn't for our relationships with women we would never have to discuss how we feel. We could talk about cars, sports, and food. Or we could talk about sports, cars, and food. If we were not interested in women we would never even have to talk. We could just grunt and scratch. I’m teasing, but you get my point. That’s the privilege. We really believe that we don’t have to raise our emotional IQ or communication skills. When we fail at it, our refrain is “I’m a dude. I don’t know that stuff.”

Male privilege extends into social realms, too. We don't have to worry about women sexually harassing us or raping us or calling us a “bitch” if we refuse to talk to them. When we’re out and come across an unknown woman the likelihood of her harming us is not that great. Women, on the other hand, have to constantly consider what they wear, where they go, what time they go, and who they go with. It's a lot of work. The FBI reports that the greatest threat to a woman's safety is her intimate partner. A woman has a greater chance of being harmed by her boyfriend or husband than by a mugger, murder or rapists.

It's great being a dude. We never have to think about how frightening we can be to women. We don't have to steel ourselves when we walk past a woman on the street. We don't have to brace ourselves for some interruption or sexist comment. We can remain clueless. We never have to think about how creepy we can be around women; the things we say or our body language or how uncomfortable we make women feel just by being unaware of our effect on them. We don't have to consider it the same way they do. Even the way we look at women, undressing them with our eyes, can be unsettling for them.  Even if we’re not undressing them visually, just that creepy look a dude over forty has when he looks at certain women...

Dudes have privileges we may not recognize. We don't have to ever talk to women about this. We can just keep it moving and enjoy the privilege we have of not having to calculate or worry much about our personal safety around them. We can say awkward things and do dumb things and it's OK. We don't have to worry about it. We’re dudes. We never have to consider the weight of living in an unsafe environment worrying all the time about being nice while putting up with a bunch of slights, threats, insults and harassment constantly.

Privilege allows men to remain indifferent to how their behavior affects others. That’s why it’s a problem. But if men could become aware, they could seize the opportunity and become better men and better partners with women. By understanding privilege we could stop gaslighting women by accusing them of being crazy, and become more skillful partners with them by making our relationships more equatable, safe, and nurturing. We should do this not so much for them but for ourselves. The benefit to us would be more durable and secure relationships. Cruelty is never in anyone's best interest even if you are unaware of it. Improving the quality of our intimate relationships is perhaps the best place to start making ourselves happier and our lives more satisfying.

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Interdependence

Right Now

It’s so easy to slip out of the present moment. Without noticing one can drift off to numerous places in the past or the future without even realizing your attention has ventured somewhere else. Daydreaming, worrying, ruminating, fantasizing, lusting, judging--any one of those hooks can pull us away from right now.

What is it about the present moment that makes it so difficult for us to stay there? I know you probably think I’m going to suggest mindfulness, but I’m not. I just want to explore why remaining in this moment is so challenging. Why am I constantly anticipating the next and the next and the next?

In this moment everything is as it is. Nothing is overwhelming or too stressful, but the minute I think about the future or the past, my mood changes. Why do we dwell in the past and wait with bated breath for the future? Why do I squander right now? So much suffering occurs from being unable to rest in this moment. The past is resolved now. The future begins now.

Caller ID identifies her. She's calling to tell me she can no longer tolerate her pain, for the one hundredth time. I listen. I validate. I empathize. I suggest. I struggle to remain in the right now. She wants to drag me into the past or push me into the future as she anticipates more pain on the horizon, as a result she has no right now. Perhaps it's a defense against the pain, but for her right now does not exist. It can't exist. When coping skills do not exist, right now can't exist. Coping skills enable us to reside in the moment.

Her effect on me is interesting. I want to remain situated with her in this moment while simultaneously wanting to flee without her into the next moment. It's uncomfortable to watch her struggle unable to make the lifestyle changes necessary to reduce her suffering. Primarily due to her being unable to utilize the current moment. Right now has suddenly become painful for both of us. We tug on the moment. She pushes. I pull.     

There is no escape for either one of us.  We are stuck in this moment no matter how skillful either one of us is at denying it. I let go by no longer trying to urge her to change. I feel better. I am suddenly able to appreciate her and her struggle. We both survive another moment. Right now.

The Opposite of Addiction

Any recovering addict worth asking will tell you they have not forgotten how to get high. They will probably also add that they never stopped enjoying the high, it's the consequences that they couldn't stand.

The experience of addiction is never forgotten. Not just the high but the whole behavioral practice leading up to the high. Ask any addict what it's like to cop. From the drug infested neighborhoods to the sound of a dispensing ATM machine, it's visceral.

Scientists have documented dopamine levels increase in anticipation of the reward. That endorphin increase connects the preceding activity to the hit. All of it, the coping and actual ingestion of the substance reinforce and connect you to the experience.

If the drugs don't get you the lifestyle will. That's why it's not enough to simply stop using drugs. One has to actively work on changing their attitude and behavior in order to stay stopped. The deer that wanders onto the road at night receives two competing signals, one to stop and one to go that freeze him in the headlights and bring it's life to an abrupt halt. Recovering people specifically those who use the 12-Steps figured that out a long time ago. Their approach, going to meetings regularly, doing step work, sponsorship, and service is designed to help one make the lifestyle changes necessary to avoid getting run over by the disease of addiction. There's always two parts to any behavior change one wants to make, cognitive and behavioral.

The opposite of addiction is not recovery it's connection. You never forget how to get high. Once you learn how to swim, you may not swim for years, but once back in water you will instantly remember. You could take any recovering person and drop them off in any city in the US and they could cop dope within two hours. As a recovering person myself I can tell you I know where to find street drugs. The only reason I'm not high right now is because I have some connections I don't want to lose. Whether it's my partner, my job, my kids, my grandson, or god children I don't want to give them up. Connections are the key.

Let’s Get It Started

One way to stop a behavior is to start a new behavior.

I’ve been in recovery from drug addiction for 21 years. As I move forward through the various stages of my recovery, I am confronted by the constant need for change. During my early years, the focus was on my need to stop using drugs. Initially, there were certain things I couldn’t do. As I remained clean longer, there were certain things I didn’t do. And now, there are certain things I don’t do.  Every one of those stages requires a different strategy, and therein lies my challenge. In this current stage, it is much more productive to initiate behaviors that reinforce abstinence. As I continue to recover, I learn how to both restore healthy old behaviors and establish new ones that help to improve the quality of my life. Practicing new behaviors helps me stay stopped.

Recovery is about attraction and not promotion. When people with substantial "clean time" sit around in meetings and only talk about not using drugs, 12-Step recovery is not very attractive. While recovery is always about not picking up, it’s also about living--having jobs, dealing with family, and more. Fortunately, I have enough experience in recovery to go to different meetings and mix up my program with people who are also in long-term recovery, who are also using the program, in part, to pursue their life goals and aspirations. I also attend newcomer meetings because they offer a diversity of perspectives that I find helpful. 

How can we make recovery attractive if we only focus on what we can’t do? One of the things that makes recovery desirable is when people come to believe they can do more than just avoid drugs. Freedom from active addiction allows me to set my sights on a goal and go for it. That’s exciting because I never know what’s going to happen. There are ups and downs. Different situations occur, but somehow, staying in the process allows me to contend with everything that arises. It also increases my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect.

In one sense, addiction is a breakdown of the will to choose. The addicted person has numerous choices, but they continue to make the same one. “Give me another hit.” By the time I got to recovery, my ability to make healthy choices was impaired. What changed was I didn’t just stop using drugs, I started going to meetings, making new friends, reading recovery literature, getting involved in service, saving money, changing my diet, exercising, going back to school, creating a business, writing a 'zine. Recovery helped me learn how to do all that.

At different times and for different reasons, we all face the existential dilemma of what am I going to do now with my life? How do I reinvent myself?  The literature refers to this as the spiritual void, the place where the addictive behavior used to reside. Many recovering addicts refer to it as a hole. At some point, we all have to face that hole and decide how it should be filled.

Once I stopped using drugs my imagination began to serve me in different ways. Over time I began to not just imagine what I wanted, but I gained the ability to pursue what I wanted by placing myself in an atmosphere of recovery, listening to the experience and suggestions of other recovering people. That’s when I slowly began to imagine myself living a different life. That experience taught me to face my own spiritual void. The point is: just stopping was not enough. Stopping without starting something new is just pausing. The rooms of recovery are full of people who have stopped using drugs who are miserable as hell because they failed to start practicing new behaviors. Here’s a word from the field of botany to describe what I’m talking about: marcescent. That’s when the leaf withers but continues to cling to the branch.

The disease of addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways that don’t have anything to do with drugs. So I can put down the drugs and pick up a fork, credit card or dice. This needs to be explained to newcomers. They need guidance and support to find new ways to live. The step working process is one of the ways in which I continue to explore who I really am and what I want to do with my life. Step work helps me identify and reduce the unmanageability in my life. It also offers me the opportunity to make the changes I want to make. It has been a very valuable experience for me to learn how to use this process to change my attitude and behavior.

Abstinence is only the beginning of recovery. If you’re only abstinent, I’m betting you’re leaving some recovery on the table and there is a good chance that you are not as happy as you could be. Recovery offers so much more than that. Abstinence and self-realization are two different things.

My wish for anyone who wants to stop getting high is for them to not only abstain from drugs, but for them to also take the opportunity to pursue their true ambitions. According the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous: “Lost dreams awaken, new possibilities appear.” My own experience is that I’m doing a lot of things now that I could never do before. I didn’t have the lifestyle that would support my decision to pursue those things.

Starting something new helps prevent you from returning to old, unproductive behaviors. When I identify my primary purpose and pursue it with my whole heart it helps me avoid the obsession and compulsion of my drug addiction. Some people misinterpret our program and our literature by taking on the view of non-striving; they think that turning it over means they don’t have to do anything, that the program will just take care of them, and that their higher power will make everything alright. Be careful. Just because I’m in recovery doesn't mean that I can take off to the spiritual suburbs. No big recovery truck is going to pull up and deliver my goals to me. If I want to change my life I have to do the footwork. I have to go for it. Recovery is the thing that helps me mobilize myself for the task. Understand that starting can help you stop.   

How do "start behaviors" relate to spirituality? I truly believe that a power greater than me, some force out there, is working to manifest something in the world. That power pulled me out of the throes of active addiction. I don’t know what it is, but something helped me. All I know is, I didn’t do it all by myself. I don’t even try to label it. I just call it a "higher power" because other people also have access to the power through their own beliefs.

I’ve been told, “You can only keep recovery by giving it away.” To be more compassionate and to be of service to others is spiritual in nature. That’s the higher power working through us to manifest a better world. Creating, improvising, re-purposing: I’ve heard it said, “Recovery is like a great recycling program.” It re-purposed me, redirected me, reprogrammed me to make the effort to be a better person. The recovery process requires that I follow an unfamiliar path, with my whole being, and with no guarantees. That requires faith. That’s spiritual.

Watch Your Mouth!

I found a copy of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson. While thumbing through it, I came across this topic, Don’t Interrupt Others or Finish Their Sentences. Before reading it, I thought I would take a stab at providing my thoughts on the subject. I’m basically cutting him off to explain my point of view. The irony of that is not lost on me, but let’s move on.

If there’s any place to practice mindfulness, it’s during conversations with others. I like to think I am a good communicator and that I don’t need to be concerned, but let’s look closely. I cut people off more often than I want to admit. Conversations are a lot like driving a vehicle onto a freeway, you increase speed, find a hole in traffic, and steer your car into it. Unfortunately, sometimes, my behavior when I converse is not like that. I don’t find an available space, I just start talking, when I think of something I want to say. I talk over. I talk simultaneously. I burst right in there. Getting on the freeway is one thing. Having a conversation is another.

Bear in mind, I’m a psychotherapist. I talk and listen for a living. Somehow, that makes my behavior much more cringeworthy. Most of the time, I’m good at observing the rules of the road, in conversations, so when I make a "California stop" or a unsignaled lane change, people notice. I notice.

There is nothing more nasal-flaring, for me than someone cutting me off and finishing my sentences. Especially when they finish them with endings that don’t match what I was going to say. Not only did they cut me off, but they were not even tracking what I was talking about. I begin to check out.

I know some cultures and some families talk over each other, and that they don’t mean anything by it. It can be a sign that you are into the conversation and have something to say. That’s not what I’m talking about here. This is about not listening and just waiting for a chance to talk. What I’m talking about is the person who waits for you to start talking and uses it as a cue for them to begin talking, with no conversational awareness that they just cut you off. Having someone talk over you can tire you out.

When I’m at my best I share the conversation. I don’t feel rushed and enjoy exchanging ideas. I’m relaxed and leave room for my partner to enter and exit the conversation smoothly. I provide them with plenty of room to express themselves fully. To stay in that zone more often, I need to be more mindful of my anxiety and stress levels. When I feel harried I'm most inclined to fall into bad habits during conversations. Keeping my eyes on the road and paying attention to my feelings helps me avoid cutting others off and finishing their sentences. Now let me read what Richard Carlson has to say.

Are You Benefiting...

from all of your bitching, griping, moaning, and complaining? Wait, wait, wait… I know you think what you’re experiencing is a problem. But are you deriving any benefit from it that you can't see?

You complain about your relationship but, may I ask, do you think there might be some benefit you gain from being in that relationship? You say you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner’s behavior and the way he or she treats you. What about how they help you? After all, that relationship also prevents you from facing the uncertainty, rejection, and loneliness of dating. Your relationship is both dependable and predictable even if you are not satisfied. Predictability is the basis of control. Those are benefits.

What about your responsibility to create the life you want? Blaming your relationship may be providing you with plausible deniability. In fact, a trifling partner may even secretly boost your self-esteem. As long as you stay with him, when things don’t work out, you can say, "I have a bad partner." If you were on your own and things didn’t work out, it would fall on you.

That job you complain so much about also provides you with an excuse to avoid updating your skills and your resume and looking for another job. You can both gripe about your job and avoid competing with other job seekers in the marketplace. Don’t forget to remember, complaining protects you from a competitive job market.

Is your poor health also providing you with attention? or is it allowing you to avoid people and discussions that make you even more uncomfortable? After all, if you keep the focus on your various ailments you can avoid other people or painful feelings. It’s easier to talk about a sore knee, for example, than to talk about childhood sexual abuse.

If you define a situation as being real it becomes real in its consequences. Unconsciously, you could even be gratified by the very situation you complain about so vehemently, because it confirms your belief. We all have a way of seeing what we think. It can feel good to have our beliefs confirmed even when they sabotage us.

Problems often benefit us in ways that we can't see, but unconscious benefits can make it impossible for us to eliminate our problems. 

Here’s a question: would you rather be right or happy?

On Narcissism

“I've been arguing with my wife. My kids are flunking school. I hate my boss and my job. I got back problems, high blood pressure, and my dog has diabetes. Do you have a sliding scale?”

”Johnny is going through something. We don't know what's going on with him. He won't clean his room or do his homework. He's been getting angry and talking back. All he wants to do is play video games all day. I'd like to drop him off and have you take a look at him.”

Our American society probably has the highest expectations in human history. We really do expect to find deals, short cuts, or a pill to fix our marriages, our jobs, and our kids. We expect that we can get something for nothing and, thus, escape the work required to improve our situations. Weeks ago, while on the presidential campaign trail, GOP front runner Donald Trump was asked by a reporter who he consulted with on foreign policy matters. He said, "I talk to myself. I know a lot." 

From the client who desires a therapist fix all of their problems, for a reduced fee, to the parent who believes psychotherapy is like auto repair, or the politician who thinks he can govern the United States of America without input from others, narcissists see red when their expectations are not met, when they are handed a reality check that really does require payment.

Narcissism seduces therapists, too. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking one really does heal people. In one forty-five minute session, a therapist can think he is really going to say something that will alter the destiny of a client who has been sabotaging himself for years. It's easy to forget that psychotherapist collaborate, facilitate, and communicate, but they don't actually lay hands on and heal anyone. Years of training and experience can cause a therapist to overestimate how skilled he is, and underestimate the tenacity of a client's problem. For talk therapists, narcissism can lead to doing more work than the client, or it can make one personalize the client's progress (or lack thereof).

Narcissism is at the heart of wanting what we want, right now. Inflated by grandiosity the slightest difficulty can puncture our sense of who we are. We can get angry at the world for not complying with our expectations and become disillusioned with our partners, our kids, and our jobs.

When our narcissistic fantasies go unsatisfied we don’t just get disenchanted. Our unhappiness can trigger behavior straight out of a reality TV show: rudeness, defiance, anger, profanity, dishonesty, belligrence, whining, and aggression. "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" have nothing on us. Just look at the current election campaign.

There's no easy way out. No one is going to save us from our own self-centeredness. When life fails to bow to our expectations, we have to accept it without turning into jerks.